this week hasn’t been my best ever; the babies have alternated crying quite a bit and lu’s long afternoon nap has been compromised a few times (i’m not even being dramatic when i say that a compromised nap can be really soul-crushing.) can someone please tell me if all moms are constantly thinking “is this normal? is this really what being a mom is?” regarding their day-to-day existence? because i think it all the time.
i just can’t do it quite as well as i wish–i keep thinking, “ok, i just need time to regroup” and that time doesn’t come. or, when it does come, i just crash into something easy and mindless, like checking instagram. i feel a little numb, a little rushy and scattered, like i need to look my babies in the eyes more/kiss them more, a little lonely, a lot perplexed (i just had a newborn, shouldn’t i KNOW what’s wrong with tobin when he’s crying??!)
i am praying to become a better student of my littles — i want to really learn them. i am praying for more sparkle/fresh initiative/big-picture thinking/a “YES” mindset, because it’s largely up to me to shape our little culture and our fun. i am learning the value of time. days FLY. i see that if i’m saying “no” to lucy too much, it’s usually my fault and not hers. i am trying to figure out how to resolve the tension between “if i stay home, i’m lonely and weird” and “if we go out, it’s almost not even worth it.” i keep thinking, “this is IT. it’s started, and i don’t get a redo”–trying to see this time for what it is. so fleeting. i want to own it.
if nothing else went right this week (and it did, it really did–today was much better in fact!) we did discover a delicious, super-fast meal. i hope anyone who tries it enjoys!!
caramelized orange salmon with bacon-roasted brussels sprouts
sprinkle salmon with sea salt, freshly ground pepper, and onion powder, and lay orange slices on top of that. follow that with a few pats of (kerrygold) butter and a generous sprinkle of brown sugar. bake covered at 400 for 15-20 minutes, then broil uncovered for 5 minutes to caramalize. for the brussels sprouts, just cut in half and toss in a pan with bacon fat and lightly salt/pepper. roast it with the salmon (just take out while you broil.)
thank you tiffany for the recipe! xoxo!
’tis the season for hybernating. tobin’s doc said to stay hidden from all the yucky bugs going around, and that’s exactly what we’re doing. instead of thinking ‘cooped up’ we are thinking ‘cozy’. we’ll cherish these cold days with lots of fires, reading, baby snuggling, stout beers, and soup!
jonny and i made this last night.
we used half homemade chicken stock and half water instead of broth…amazing!
stay warm and stay healthy! xoxo
dimples, smile. bright lively spirit.
milk-fed purity, sweetest breath.
even your movements, pure. pure reflex, pure need, pure as you hear the sound your own voice makes.
eyes fix, expression something like innocent wisdom. maybe the wrinkled forehead makes you look wise?
newborn beak lip, nursing blister…heartbreak beauty. rooting, at once eager and sweetly hesitant.
red nursing wrinkles, milk dribbles. helpless slouch when i burp you.
hands, butter-soft bones, startled up–arms outstretched, fingers extended –then slowly, slowly they rest. the tender positions those little hands find themselves.
hearing tiny breaths out as you sleep. so tiny.
skin so soft, that it returns the favor of a gentle finger tracing.
nook of your neck, just behind your ear, where your soft hair feathers. a spot made to smell and kiss.
losing your raw, changing, changing…
both jonny and i are high-highs, low-lows personalities–in the last three weeks we’ve felt both the gravest solemnities and the sweetest delights with our children. we’ve mourned a life we REALLY no longer have, now that there are two littles, and yet we’ve also nestled into this sweet and crazy new normal. we’ve come incredibly close together as a team–we need each other so darn bad. we get up early and have devotions before the babies wake up, unless i’ve had a really rough night with tobin (thankfully those have been minimal!) we stumble out to the couch with our coffee and watch our sermon series before the sun is up–and it really makes all the difference in our days. when jonny gets home from work we make dinner together, we eat and clean up, we trade babies back and forth, we put lucy to bed (and then we watch homeland and drink a glass of wine and are in bed by 10:30 because dang we’re tired!) when i crawl into bed at the end of the day or after a wee-hour nursing, his warm arms are my comfort. i’m thankful that we have a deep friendship because this is it folks, we’re a tribe and everyone else may come and go in life.
at this point i am in a bit of a survival mode. i don’t know how many times i’ve told myself to “slow down, take it one thing at a time, this isn’t an emergency, he/she is ok for one second while i take care of him/her or finish this/that” (because there are funny little challenges one after another in my days, being a mama is problem-solving and it’s being scrappy to meet those babies’ needs!!) i’ve felt more engaged, more satisfaction, more warmth, and more positive energy with two babies than with one–much of that surprises me, but it’s true. i’m ten times more peaceful with my second newborn and i felt affection for him instantly (i think it took me months to “feel” love for lucy because i was also learning how to be a mama, which was hard for me.) he is so, so darling.
this is my life.
i share my baths with lucy more often than not. because we’re hanging out and she’s contained. and then i let her keep playing in the bath until she’s a wrinkled little raisin, while i get ready. (getting ready in the morning makes me feel like a real person. IMPORTANT.) if letting your babe stay in the bath for an hour every morning is wrong, i am so wrong!
i nurse tobin and read lucy stories at the same time. or i’m sitting there with my head sideways because lucy still likes to hold my hair and suck her thumb. or i’m running across the room with poor tobin still at the breast because lucy needs help, ha!
i let lucy watch more curious george than i ever did before. (trying to keep it at two episodes or less a day…but sorry, it’s a lifesaver!)
i’m wearing one of them almost constantly.
i don’t turn music on immediately when they’re both asleep–i just savor the quiet. and i used to hate quiet.
i can almost guarantee that i will be 10-20 minutes late for just about everything right now. even if i start getting ready three hours before.
i have about eight loads of laundry sorted downstairs and i’m writing between folding one load and waiting for the timer to ding when when the next load is done (i actually need to stop writing because this is also my tiny window to get a nap and it’s dwindling!)
yes, this is my life.
this is my life. i love it. and i am sleepy.
a playlist to fill the christmas carol void.
double-meaning intended in the title for those of us who happen to be nursing a baby around the clock…😉
beth/rest – work drugs remix — bon iver
shook down — yuck
elephant — tame impala
old friend — sea wolf
into black — blouse
playground love — air
turn on me — the shins
eyes wide open — gotye
old soul song — bright eyes
midnight in a perfect world — dj shadow
penelope — pinback
fog of war — young dreams
to you — young wonder
^^ me, waking up still pregnant…
this past week, there have been all the cliche overdue ups and downs–moments where i long to meet my son, feel weepy to smell his head/hold his newborn fingers/have my little tribe all together. moments i long to touch my toes, go on a run, wear something besides the same three outfits, pick up lucy without grunting, have “normal” back with my husband.
but here’s the thing that’s a little hard to admit–there have also been moments i feel discouraged because i so badly want my baby to come, then simultaneously wonder what i’m so eager for. moments in which i don’t feel like going through labor; i feel tired. moments in which i’m terrified of having two kids, and worry about the january let-down…like all of this baby/christmas anticipation will leave me a sleep-deprived, deflated balloon. in other words, i feel this longing to be done, and then a nagging, “why? then what?” those moments are the ones i feel yuckiest.
then, on top of all those emotions, there’s the physical looming of labor–not that i’m scared for it per se, but it does take a certain measure of concentration to be so “on the cusp” of such a big event for what seems like so long.
i know due dates are guess dates, and that i’m blessed to carry my son to term. i know that i should trust my baby and my body, and that’s why i’m not going crazy trying to induce. i’m reading birth stories and trying to stay curious about how my own will unfold, instead of being bitchy/weary.
i am being spoiled by the people i love, and there have been a lot of wonderful moments the past week–i mean, i napped twice today. i’ve had pedis and massages and free babysitters, and i’ve gone on shopping trips, and i haven’t cooked a thing.
a week from now i really, truly, probably won’t be pregnant anymore.
(i keep trying to find a magical sentence or thought to provide closure for this post…but i have decided there isn’t one…so i’m just going to go to bed.) xoxo. and merry christmas!
P.S. false labor sucks. i never experienced that with lucy. i know it’s not wasted and that it’s all part of the journey but IT SUCKS.